When a Pastor Claims to be a Marriage Counselor

The text messages presented below are verbatim what the pastor sent.

Only the names of the individuals have been removed.

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be extremely traumatic. A narcissist can be male or female, but I am using the pronoun "he" for this story.

Months or years may pass before you even realize you are being emotionally and verbally abused. There are no black eyes and bruises, so the only "evidence" is your word; however, the narcissist has manipulated you into thinking you are crazy and overreacting. You question yourself, your memory, and your perception.

When you finally decide to leave and find the courage to do so, the narcissist will turn on the charm. When that stops working because it's not sustainable, he will resort to name-calling and blaming you for breaking up the family. He will accuse you of giving up and not wanting to try to make it work.

Most humans want to find the good in people and believe they want to do better, so you may agree to give it a try if he goes to counseling with you. Surprised that he is agreeable to this condition, you allow him to pick the counselor, you know, so that he will be comfortable. And so he can't blame you for sleeping with or paying the counselor extra to be on your side.

He chooses a local pastor and his wife who offer Christian counseling. You're thinking, this is great. A pastor should be able to see right through his charade and give you both the help you so desperately need. You confide in the counselor that your husband has taken away your only debit card and gives you minimal cash for groceries, gas, and other necessities. Then he starts only giving you half the money if any at all because you refuse to have sex with him. He doesn't help with the special needs child you have together and makes it clear he doesn't want your two children from a previous marriage at "his" house. He cuts the entire yard except for the one small area where you take care of your animals and spend time outside. You can't cut it because he locked up "his" lawnmower to prevent you from using it. He removed the lightbulbs from the exterior of your home because he doesn't want you leaving the lights on at night. He flipped the breaker to your house so you couldn't take a shower.

After hearing this, the pastor is confident he can get your husband to change through the counseling and power of prayer if you will just be patient. You see a slight difference in your husband, but it doesn't last. Once again, you make up your mind to leave. A full-time job is not possible due to your child's needs, so you do what you can to save as much money as possible.

One Sunday, you miss church because your child, the one that is also his, is sick. Your husband goes to the service because he wants to show the pastor he is the only one trying. The following day, you receive these text messages from your pastor/Christian counselor:

[Wife's name], I love you both equally! However, yesterday proved that you are not in control of your life, there is a spirit that is controlling you that is not you! U r a sweet, kind, fun loving person! This spirit is out to divorce you & put you & your kids on the street with no where to go! U are your own worse enemy! There is no deception as bad as self deception! U r deceived! & you are fighting against everything that you & the kids want & need! Call her negative Nellie Or whomever, but we have to cast out that spirit that is ruining your life! What [Husbands' name] has done is horrible & I have chastised him severely, but he sees his wrong but you are unable to see your part of this mess! Your hatred & suspicion of men makes it impossible for anyone to live with you! Your "ex" admitted this to [Husband's name] the last time they talked! Please let me help you! I'm on your side! I promise!!

You send a response suggesting that he is the one with a hatred for women. Then the pastor responds:

I know you & I know that spirit! I love you but I hate that spirit! U weren't there yesterday to see what God did, but you will regret not trusting God! My offer still stands! I will do anything to help you both, but only if you allow me to be honest & help you both!

Your marriage is hanging in the balance & u r facing life on the streets & u aren't taking it seriously! Prayer is your only hope! We have tried everything else! I hope u will wisely reconsider! [Daughter's name] future is at stake!

I'm very disappointed !

This is not just a little prayer time! This is calling out to God for a divine intervention in your marriage which you say you want! U have a free choice to come or not come! I'm praying u will make the wise choice!

This just makes it appear that he wants & u don't!

This is not my personal story, but I know the person living through this hell, and I have lived through a narcissist's hell. I was shocked to find out that this so-called man of God was using the same manipulating tactics as her husband. He shamed her as a wife and mother, and he implied she and the kids would be homeless if she didn't take his advice and guilted her for feeling the way she does.

It's frightening to think what damage this man's words could do to a young person who believes what he says simply because he is a pastor.

This is my PSA to anyone who is in a relationship with a narcissist. You do not have to take their abuse. It is not your responsibility to help or save them. If they promise to change, don't listen to their words; watch their actions. You are not crazy, you are not overreacting, and you don't deserve their abuse. Choosing your peace and sanity over the abuse is okay, and I promise life is much better once you are out from under a cowardly narcissist who only picks on the weak and despises the strong. There are resources and support systems that can help. You don't have to do it alone.

As for the pastor, I am not sure if he is ignorant of how narcissists operate, if he is a narcissist himself, or if he is siding with the person who has the money. Either way, it is inexcusable.