Are You Creating Your Own Suffering Through Expectations?

How many times have you done something you didn’t want to do just to avoid disappointing someone? How does it make you feel?

Have you ever been disappointed or even devastated because someone did not live up to your expectations? Maybe it was a friend who finally got out of an abusive relationship only to go back to that abusive person weeks later. Or a family member who finally kicked their addiction to alcohol or drugs starts drinking or using again.

You’ve put so much of your time, money, energy, and heart into that person, and now they have betrayed you. They have turned their back on you, and you are hurt and pissed. You may even feel used.

If this scenario has played out in your life, then you are giving to receive. You are providing your time, money, energy, and heart, expecting an outcome, you deem favorable, in return. That’s not fair to you or the person you chose to help.

If you choose to help someone, do it out of the kindness of your heart. Hope and pray for the best possible outcome but detach yourself from a specific outcome. Until a person decides to make changes for themselves, you can do nothing to make them change. No amount of love, lectures, evidence, or advice will make them do something they are not ready to do for themselves, but that doesn't mean you can't plant the seeds.

Their choice to return to the thing or person that they know is unhealthy has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with how they feel about themselves, their perceptions, their beliefs, and their experiences. It’s not because you failed or they are trying to hurt you.

If a person blames you for a relapse, ask yourself these questions:

• Are they using blame as a justification for their behavior?

• Are they trying to manipulate you to enable or accept their behavior?

• Will your reaction or compliance enable or encourage this behavior to continue?

If you choose to support them, do so with an open heart, but do not enable the behavior they are trying to escape. If their behavior affects your well-being, distance yourself from that person and love them from afar. It's definitely not easy, but their toxic behavior is not more important than your health, happiness, and peace.

If your happiness or peace of mind depends on someone living up to your expectations, you are setting yourself up for failure and creating your own suffering. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s true. We are only in control of our actions and emotions; therefore, we aren’t responsible for making anyone happy, nor is anyone responsible for making us happy.

Stop giving your power away by putting the burden on someone and realize you are in control of your happiness or your suffering.